dazzledoom @ 2007-12-20T12:56:00

2007-12-20T13:40:22Z

Title: Hurt
Author: dazzledoom
Word Count: 915
Rating: R
Warnings: Language; violence; themes of death;
A/N: This story reads better if you play 'Hurt - Christina Aguilera' at the same time.
Disclaimer: believe me, if I owned my chemical romance i'd be rather too indisposed to write about them ;)

He meanders slowly through the short grass, cutting a ragged path through the recently interred. Lines of freshly turned soil hide the blank eyes, the silent minds; grief hangs in the still air, a permanent fixture in the quiet place. The gaunt man’s weaving slightly, the thick glass bottle in his hand not quite full, and sadness shines through the madness on his sallow face. He used to possess a macabre beauty with the power to bring people to their knees, but now he’s just macabre. Raw pain leeches from this man, so potent you feel it would infect you just to look at him. The ragged clothes hanging off his lank body are unwashed and torn, and a sickly smell emanates off his person much too strong. This is a picture of a man who had it all once upon a time. This is also a man who lost it almost as quickly, a man who now has nothing.
He mutters words offhandedly to no one in particular as he peers at row upon row of shining stones, reading permanent inscriptions with soulless eyes. As he stumbles further into the silent garden, the tiny plots lining his way appear older, some cared for, most overgrown. Long grass and weeds are creeping uncaringly through the cracked soil of abandoned graves, no one to care for the loved ones decaying beneath. Others show the affections of the grieving, potted plants and wreathes decorating the surfaces of withering resting places.
The broken man has no time for these, the plots of land useless to him, and he staggers on blindly until he spots the one he’s looking for. He stands still for a moment, muted by the sight before him, but as his words cease and he’s struck dumb, brick by brick the protective wall he’s placed around himself crumbles and the man he once was blazes though hazel oculars.
And then he’s sobbing, his frantic breath hitching as the bottle slips loosely from his clammy grasp, and he drops to his knees. Trembling fingers reach out, withdrawing quickly at the cold of the marble headstone, but soon they’re back, running over the engraved words. He runs them carelessly over the name of a man who is now just a craved memory. His mind teems as everything he’s ever pushed away comes flooding back, and now he remembers, by god he remembers. But he wishes he doesn’t, because it’s still too painful, still too soon.
Pulling his fingers back quickly, he cradles his hand to his chest, the beat of his broken heart mocking as he kneels above the life he lost. He desperately propels himself backwards and staggers up, pointing a shaking digit at the earth in front of him. He’s gasping, his breath coming in fits and starts, and he’s blinded by the tears streaming from aching red-rimmed eyes, now shining with the grief he’s spent a year running from.
Inhaling sharply, he rocks back and forth on his heels a few times, akin to a madman, before trusting himself to open his mouth.
“It’s been a year little brother. A year since I saw you, a year since I held mama’s hand. One year since you died, since we both died. I…I’m sorry I waited so long to see you Mikey. I-I couldn’t… I just could do it. It was t-t-too hard. To come here and… and know you’re never going to leave with me. Never going to come home again.
I miss you Mikey. We all miss you. Why did you leave us? W-why did you leave me? I didn’t want you to go. I want you here, with me, but you’re not. I don’t know where you are.” His voice breaks as the volume of his heart wrenching words shift to feature pitch, and his words echo across the dead. He’s shouting now. “Why did you leave me? It wasn’t your time to go you selfish bastard! I fucking need you! I don’t know what to do without you Mikey. I’m lost. You were everything to me, fucking everything and now you’ve fucking left me. How dare you?! Why? Why did you have to go? I-I miss you. I want you back here. I-I don’t think I can live without you little brother.
What made you want to leave Mikey? Was it me? Was it something I did? Did I make you sad Mikey? I-I’m sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry. Come back, please come back to me?”
Gerard drops back onto his knees, crawling over handfuls of earth to reach the cold headstone. He’s throwing wild punches at it, ignoring his split knuckles, and he rakes at the name with his fingernails as if by some miracle he’ll be able to change the identity of the corpse six feet below.
Wild with grief, he’s sobbing harder now, and as his fingertips start bleeding he imagines he hears a whisper, so soft that he knows it’s his imagination, the alcohol coursing through his veins supplying him with hallucinations of the part of him that died a year ago.
He collapses with a wild cry of anguish and beats at the soil beneath him, wishing so hard that rotting hands would reach up and drag him under, because then he’d be with him again, and maybe then, the pain in his chest can disperse. He makes no more sound save for the choked cry that passes chapped and bleeding lips.
“I miss you.”

kiss me goodbye

dazzledoom @ 2007-12-20T12:56:00